Another year gone….

…And I must trouble you with an old man’s wheezing waffle before we sink our teeth into our delicious feast. What a year it has been!” – Dumbledore “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone”

I generally reserve the right to talk about books here – I write reviews, talk about writing, etc., however, with 2014 over and 2015 still fresh in it’s dawn I want to just talk about life for a minute.

I feel like for the past few years life has been a struggle. I was homeless for a while, I started dating again (which believe you me I never thought would happen. Ever.), I made the courageous decision to quit a job at a company I’ve been with for 8 years, and thereby begin a new and exciting job opportunity! It’s been a roller coaster of a time. My twenties are ending, my life is progressing in a positive trajectory… I’m, for the first time in many years, genuinely excited to see where life goes!

I am a person who at one point in life, was truly optimistic. I was. I saw the good in everything, I saw the hope, the joy, the laughter, in every aspect of life. The years have hardened me (not toughened me, there is a difference. I still cry when people yell at me, I still feel pushed around and broken a majority of the time), but I’ve been hardened: I am cynical, sarcastic, distrusting, disbelieving and a lot of times negative. I’m not a nasty person by any means, and I’m not someone that has a morose aura that people avoid. But I’m not exactly one hundred percent myself either. I’ve had some hard times. I was genuinely – like sleeping in a tent – homeless much of 2013 (and really since long before that when my house burned down I couch hopped and jumped from hotel to hotel for years). In late 2013, early 2014 I finally finally got out of that funk. I moved into a great townhouse with some friends, and I’m finally on a good path. I have solid income, I have a great support system, I am paying all my bills on time (well, except student loans but really you want me to pay 120,000 dollars for a degree I DON’T USE? Yea, I’ll get on that…). But really, I’m doing pretty darn good at the moment (knock on wood). But I still feel like something terrible is going to happen. I have this nagging sensation in the back of my mind. “Oh, your life is awesome at the moment? Here’s a catastrophe!”

But, in 2015 I don’t want to feel that way any more! I don’t want to have the negativity that is associated with worrying! I’m over it. If I lose my job (god forbid) I’ll get a new one. If my car breaks I’ll fix it. If my house crumbles I’ll move. If I get the flu I’ll stay home and vomit. If zombies becomes a thing, I’ll get a crossbow. I mean. That’s it. That’s life. You deal with the things that happen. Jah will provide. You do your best. You take some chances now and then. You put some life into it. There’s no sense in worrying about every. little. thing. Because if it happens it happens if it doesn’t then you’ve wasted all the time you could have just.been.happy. being miserable and WORRYING.

I want 2015 to be the year of no regrets

I am saying “yes” a lot more. People invite me out (I am not a very social creature. I have work, I have my house, I have a select few friends houses, that is it), but now people invite me places, I’m going. I’m going on dates-ish-things. . . I’m trying to be more outgoing, experience new things, I’m cutting my hair in weird ways, buying new clothes, trying new foods (Quorn, it’s gonna be big). I’m probably gonna take up Yoga, and do belly dancing or something. Its 2015, anything could happen!

This gets me in to “New Years Resolutions” – this “live positive” spiel is not a “New Years Resolution”. I have heard so many people at my jobs (both of them) talking about how their Resolution is to lose weight, to go to the gym, to eat less – not necessarily healthier though I’ve heard that too. I have a terrible self-esteem. Terrible. I genuinely do not believe for one second that anyone (but me) could love me. Which confuses the fuck (excuse the language) out of people because they don’t understand how I love myself so much and yet think there is no way others could love me. My friend once said “You treat yourself like you’re your favourite book, but you never let anyone else read it”. I tried to explain to her that that is because it’s my favourite book, and if someone else read it and didn’t like it I would be crushed by that. It’s better if I just love it enough for everyone. . . and that’s my self esteem. I am essentially a Winchester. (If you don’t understand the reference just move on – actually go marathon Supernatural on Netflix, and then move on). But anyway, I’m so tired of people trying to say you have to look a certain way in order to “be happy” or to “fit in”. I think people should just be whoeverthefuck they want to be and that will help them find people who genuinely like them instead of finding a bunch of people who will ditch you the second you’re not what they want any more.

My sister actually wrote a lovely 2014/2015 post, you can read it here about dealing with positive life changes and it gets at what I’m saying pretty well. I want to be true to myself, I want to LOVE myself, and I want others to love who I am BECAUSE I am me, not because I’m trying to be who they want me to be. I mean, I never bought into the beauty magazines anyway (I’ll scan the tabloid covers in line at the checkout only because the drama amuses me) but the “lose twenty pounds in 2 days” things are not only a load of waffle, but just irritate the piss out of me.

I mean, do we really need to continue to tell people they’re terrible and not good enough? Haven’t we evolved yet in all the years there’s been humans? Come on guys. Let’s stop this stupidity. Get fit for health, fine. Eat right for health, perfect. Do whateverthefuck you want because it’s your life and it’s not hurting a dang thing? Hells yes. New Years Resolutions aren’t for pretending you’re going to do something and then feeling crappy about it all year because you didn’t do the thing. New Years Resolutions are actually kind of stupid, because every day is a new day to do something different. I can wake up tomorrow and never drink soda again, I can go jogging right.the.fuck now if I was so inclined. You don’t have to set up a resolution to do it. You just do it.

I rambled a bit. What was my point. Ah yes, I’m not looking at my positive life change as a resolution, just a thing I’m doing. This year is already off to a better start than a lot of years in the past, and I’m ready to greet it with a general capacity for adventure!

I also want to mention, in 2014 the world lost an amazing woman. My dear friends mother died just before Christmas, and she was an amazing woman. She was kind, compassionate, giving, caring, funny, smart, generous, warm, thoughtful, she was damn close to a perfect human being. She lit up the lives of everyone she touched, and raised two super-charged, amazing daughters in the process. The world is colder without her. But I want to take her memory and use it to better myself and the world. I want to live in a way that would honor her. I want to take charge of things I believe in, stand-up for causes that don’t have voices, I want to live positively and hopefully. So part of my 2015 mantra is “What Would Em Do” because if everyone could live with even a fraction of her capacity for optimism, love, and kindness I think the world will be better for it.

So. That’s my New Year Post. Expect there to be lots of books in 2015 also, but there might be a few more of these life updates.

Blessed be, and have a happy, safe, adventurous 2015!

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